Tired

Are you tired?
Tell me why.

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I’m fucking tired now, not only because slept less than 12 hours for last three days but for other unreasonable issues, physiological tired can’t result me like this now.

i hate this part right now, despair, inability, dark side thinking and all these negative thoughts filled my mind, also make me doing some wrong decision, but i had one right this week - attending the party on the roof with seniors, they are so familiar with others and i also known some so the atmosphere is great, everyone have fun and looks enjoyed, this definitely a wonderful memory.

the weather make me think of my life in Europe sometimes, like today i suddenly thought of the day in Perugia, Evanee was in school and i just walking around the city, it’s usual for me to do so in travelling days, but those memories hit me so hard,  like the sunset in Delft, i stunned every time i jogged in zuid trail, and i still remember all the smells and feelings there, everything lead me to cherish the memory there, and also made me fill i lost a lot with deeply regret, if i did…… if i was…… if i……but there’s no if for me, neither iF.

maybe the tired is partly because of the deep regret from lost, I've lost so much, and can’t focus on the chances i have now, i don’t even know how to deal with them, such a stupid.

i hope medicine can make my mind positive and my body active, but i think only my will able to do that.

lots of works to do, i got pressured now, both projects and relationship, i would like to have girlfriend but i don’t know what attitude I'm going to have, not serious as we are going to marry but i really don’t want a playful short-term relation, although i like exciting and uncertainty, but not in this part of my life, i mean a relation with trust, confidence with each other and belief, on the same time explore each others’ mind like a new world, knowing different value of view and different way to think, it’s like normal friendship without AT field, sharing everything based on trust,  hard to explain to others or the girl, even myself, love is such hard word, i only know its family side now.